The best Mother's Day gift.

Self-care.  Maybe I don't read the right magazines or hang out with the right people, but I hadn't heard that term until very recently. 

Self-care, simply put, refers to the things you can for yourself that restore energy to different parts of yourself - emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual.  It's your regular Mother's Day gift to yourself.

To mothers, especially new ones, I think that self-care can either feel impossible (no time) or raise feelings of guilt (isn't wrong to focus on myself instead of my kids?).  I feel both of those things, but I also know that I'm a better, and much less cranky, parent when I have a little time for myself.

To help me figure out what self care means to me, I requested the help of Claudia Heilbrunn, a life coach who specializes in working with first-time moms.  Her goal is to help mothers with small children "hold onto themselves without shortchanging their kids."  She actually does Mother's Day workshops on this very topic through her coaching business, Significant Self.

Here are her questions and my answers:

Set aside some time during which you can relax and reflect.  Sit in a comfortable spot.  Try not to think too much about your answers - let them come from the core part of yourself.  Once you've answered the following questions you'll have a better idea of what you need to thrive.  Ask yourself:

What do you miss most from your pre-baby life?  Time by myself is at the top of the list.  Of course it's gotten much easier as my son has gotten older.  It feels hard to admit this, because people who like to be alone are seen as a little strange, and of course a "good" mother is supposed to want to be with her child all the time.  Anyway, I know lots of people who get their energy from being with other people; I get mine from being by myself.  I also really miss being able to spend a couple of hours on weekend mornings reading the paper with a big cup of coffee.

What activity would renew, recharge, and reenergize your body?  Geez.  Just about anything.  I used to exercise a lot but stopped after my son was born, and I developed some bad eating habits because nursing kept the weight off so well.  I did recently commit to starting to exercise again, and while my diet naturally changes when I do, I'm not willing to tackle it directly right now.  One thing at a time, right?

What activity would renew, recharge, and reenergize your mind?  This area doesn't need any work.  I'm a sponge for new information and ideas, and I get a lot of energy from that.

What activity would renew, recharge, and reenergize your spirit?  Probably being creative and exploring new places.

What gift can I give to myself today? I once made a list of the things that I want to do - not things that I should do or need to do, but things that were fun and relaxing and recharged my batteries.  The list included walking, movies, books, creative things (though I'm a little scared to jump in), and exploring new places with my husband and son.  I really love the breastfeeding support work that I do, but I'm also exhausted after I do it.  These other things don't feel like that.

When you look back at this time in your life, what will you regret not doing for yourself?  Probably not having the courage to really make creativity a priority.

What is one thing - however small - that you can do to make self-care integral to my week?  Oh, good - I don't have to tackle everything above, just one thing, right?  Well, my answers above make it pretty clear that what's missing is some kind of creative outlet, but I don't think I have the will to make that change right now.  It would be a pretty big accomplishment to just not work right up until I go to bed.  For now, I think I could commit to making the last hour before bed a time to relax and do something I really want to do.  That would mean things in the list I made above, like reading, a bath, watching a movie, or just sitting on the porch with my husband.  That would be a small change in routine but a significant shift in how I prioritize my time. 

I liked doing this exercise.  It wasn't easy, but I did learn some things about how to renew my energy.  I'm passing it on to Andi at Mama Knows Breast and Sinead at Breastfeeding Mums for their Mother's Day weekends!

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Comments

[Tanya Lieberman]

Sent by email:

After hearing of a young man blogging while dealing with cancer I decided to write this. I never wrote this topic felling it would be more than people could stand. And this is probably the wrong audience since they already breast feed and may practice attachment parenting but this perspective should help any mother filling overwhelmed or comparing themselves to other mothers and think they have it worse.

The best way to deal with the stress is stop take a breath and count your blessings especially the blessing of looking at your baby or child and having them look back at you. At being able to pick up and hold your baby when it needs you even when that doesn't seem like enough but just being there for them is something.

What I wouldn't do for that opportunity. I believe in breast feeding long term and did not hide it. I practiced attachment parenting and am grateful I did. My baby was so proud he could pull himself up and was learning to walk still holding my hands. He had just started to let go while standing still. He had just got his third and fourth teeth. Him and his older brother laughed and played so well. I would look up everyday while playing with them and just thank god for these two wonderful little guys. Then on our way home for lunch one day a college kid on his way to class hit us and my child went from being the happiest baby watching the birds before we got in the car to dieing.

Then all those things that use to matter don't like taking a shower, time for anything other than playing with my children, whether other people understood my parenting or approved, feeling appreciated by anyone other than my children, or living up to anyone's expectation other than that of my children.

My advice is just be the best person you can be and the best mom you can be and count your blessings. And make the most of every moment, of every loving look you share, and every laugh and giggle your blessed with.

Mommy

[Tanya Lieberman]

Mommy,

Thank you so much for sharing your heartbreaking story and the lessons you've learned from it.

And thank you for reminding me/us that it's so important to be able to see the big picture and to appreciate what you have. It all tends to get lost in the frenzy to do much less important things.

Thank you,

Tanya

[Tanya Lieberman]

Sent by email:

Wow, Mommy. I'm so touched by your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Thanks for posting this topic, Tanya. I have really been thinking about self care a lot lately. Little by little, I'm learning to weigh decisions using the answer to this question "What would make me feel good?" (running endless errands or going for a walk to the park?)

This post was a good reminder that taking care of myself doesn't have to be about big things. There are simple things I can incorporate into my daily "routine" (not that I really have one!) just so that I get a little rejuvenation every day. And sometimes, self care really can be just about enjoying my children in the moment.

-Beth