Today I'm happy to share a post from Amanda, who writes about her struggle to decide if it's time to wean - after a long battle to make breastfeeding work.I've been breastfeeding my firstborn for 351 days, and among other milestones just around the corner (first pair of shoes, first haircut, first birthday cake sugar binge), I'm faced with the question of when to wean.
I never dreamed I would be in this position. Hell, I never dreamed I'd be pregnant. I have to say, life has gone along really wonderfully for me, so even though I've wanted children since I was a child, I always worry that the next lifelong dream I've held will somehow not happen for me (luck has to run out at some point, right?).
So my husband and I found a Caribbean island we loved and I came home with a souvenir. During the 9 months we waited for him, I didn't think much about breastfeeding. I thought I'd try and if it were too challenging, I'd just formula feed - no big whoop. I knew there was the idea that it could be hard, but had no idea why. No one ever spoke about bad latches and infected areola cracks that would take 9 weeks to close (ow). No one ever spoke about nipples that turned white and burned so badly that you wouldn't be able to sleep (vasospasms). No one ever spoke about shared infections that would make your baby not want to eat and cause searing pain in your entire breast (thrush). No one ever spoke about a mother whose ample body supply (read: fat hips and thighs) didn't make enough milk to nurture their own baby. No one ever spoke about the ineptitudes of the medical community in having any information, help, or expertise about breastfeeding or basic breast health (the 10+ professionals I tried).
Crazily, I persevered. I became one of those "breastfeeding at all costs!" zealots I mocked in the past (and, now that the drama is over, mock a little bit again). The first 6 months sucked. They really did. But as soon as we started solids and things like oatmeal slowed down my son's metabolism enough for him to absorb the nutrients from my milk, he began to thrive. The emotional impact, though, of those bad months leaves me nursing in month 11 with nagging doubts still. Am I making enough milk? Will it last? If he sleeps through a feeding, will my supply go away? (Note: He weighed 23 lbs at his 11.5 month appointment last week - I need to get over it). I work full time - from home, mainly so I can nurse - and the impact it's all had on my life is both overwhelming (the good way) and heartbreaking (both).So when do I wean? My original goal was a year. For the first 6 months, I thought about quitting at EVERY nursing session (approx 1,500 times by my count). In 13 days, we're at goal. We currently nurse 5 times a day. I have a horrible toenail fungus that I can't treat and am overdue for a colonoscopy. It's not socially acceptable to nurse much longer. Do I listen to the mainstream forces and start the aggressive process now, or do I listen to the zealots and plan on breaking into his 3rd grade classroom to nurse him after lunch?
It's interesting that the most private of relationships become fodder for everyone's judgement. Why should my relatives care what Sam and I do privately? Is it because none of them have had this experience that they fear it? Do they apply unrelated sexual feelings to our nursing? And on the other side of that coin, why should my breastfeeding friends and acquaintences judge me for initiating weaning rather than letting Sam self-wean? I'm all for the attachment parenting way of life, but this is a relationship I've fought tooth and nipple to achieve - can't I also decide that it's time for some Mommy time (and a few medical procedures)?
I know what the answer is. I have to learn that I'm a mom and the choices I make have to be what's best for my son. I did that at the beginning, when everyone's "supportive" comments through the thrush and Raynaud's and low supply were "Oh, just give him some formula." I realized then that this is just about Sam and me and no one else will understand our relationship. Honestly? I don't want them to. Part of what makes this relationship beautiful is that it's OURS. I'm finally enjoying nursing my son and I'm not sure that I'm ready to let that go. I'm also still feeling anxiety about nursing my son and would love to alleviate that. Is there an answer? Sure. We'll figure it out. But we'll do it ourselves - whether I lead or he does. Cher once defended judgement of her character by saying (I paraprhase) that the only people she answers to are herself and God. My boobs answer to me and Sam.
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