You never know.

We're moving today.  Our new house just a few miles away, but it feels like just as much work as when we moved across the country.  I'm going to be slow on email this weekend.

So things are a little crazy here at the moment, but I wanted to put up a post about something I've been thinking about a lot recently:

Whenever I see a baby being fed by bottle, I assume that the baby isn't breastfed.  It sparks a chain of questions about why the mother isn't breastfeeding:  Did she give it a try?  Did she hit a lot of problems and stop?  Was she under pressure from family not to breastfeed?  This goes on for a while in my head.

The other day I was talking to a mother who told me that her baby, now five months, is exclusively breastfed, "except for a few times when we were out in public and I just gave her a bottle of formula."  It occurred to me that if I saw her in public using a bottle I would have assumed that she wasn't breastfeeding.

Then I remembered being at a baby gathering at which I saw a mother give her baby a bottle.  I assumed that the bottle contained formula, and then realized that the bottle probably contained pumped milk.  This family had two moms, and the mother I saw was the non-birth mother, feeding her baby the birth mom's milk.

Then I thought of all of the mothers who exclusively pump.  This is going to sound strange, but I've seen so many different colors of breastmilk that I sometimes can't tell the difference between breastmilk and formula when it's in a bottle.  So some of those bottles I've seen may have contained breastmilk, too. 

So, is the moral "don't judge a breast by a bottle?"  What do you think?

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Comments

[Shelly]

With my first, I was shy about nursing in public and I would pump and give her a bottle when we were out and about. A woman once made a comment, she said "You know, breast is best" and I remember that completely changed my perspective and kept me from making judgements or assuming anything when I saw another mom giving a baby a bottle.

[Aubrey]

My daughter is exclusively breast fed but there are occasions that I will pump and bring a bottle with us. Usually when we are going to be somewhere where it's 85+ degrees and she isn't going to appreciate the sweaty hot skin to skin contact. Baseball games, concerts in the park, etc. That said, I still have the same thought when I see people with bottles. I assume it's formula. I am also just neurotic enough that i find myself compulsively telling people that I pumped the bottle before we came and letting people know my baby is a chunky breastmilk baby. Go figure?

[Maria]

I am there with you. I find that I have to "check myself" as I begin playing that same scenario in my head (the questions). It could be bm... but it is so hard not to see the bottle and assume formula!

[Elita]

I always assume a bottle-fed baby is being given formula. The only thing that would make me believe it was BM in a bottle is if the bottle was by Medela, Lansinoh, Adiri, etc. Also, if it's an 8 oz bottle, that is a dead giveaway, too. Breastfed babies don't drink out of 8 oz bottles.
I try not to be judgmental. It does make me sad, though, esp. as a woman of color, that it seems so few moms breastfeed past the arbitrary 6 (weeks or months) or at all.

[Kristen]

This just goes along with all of our "Mommy Judgements". It doesn't matter if it is bottles, disposable diapers, pacifiers, etc. We are judging a snapshot of someone's life and we have no right to base our over-all opinion of this mother based on this one small encounter.

That being said I cringe everytime I see a baby with a bottle. Even though my 1 year old gets 3 bottles (moving towards sippy cups, please don't judge me)of bm a day.

My breastfeed baby does drink out of 8 oz. bottles by the way.

[kb]

Regarding the brand of the bottle, we have Dr. Brown's glass, Born Free, etc. to put breastmilk that was frozen in storage bags into. I would urge you to reconsider that the bottle brand has anything to do with whether there's formula inside. I think the only time you can assume there's formula in the bottle is if you've seen it being poured in there.

[lacey]

I really hope that society can move towards not commenting or silently/openly judging other parents. You never know their stories. I think if someone assumed my baby was drinking formula (which is fine for some people, it's their baby!), I'd happily tell them it's breastmilk that I lovingly and painstakingly pumped 4 times a day for her. Ha!

[Jenny]

I do the same thing. I always bf my baby in public, so I have to keep reminding myself that others may not feel comfortable doing that and would use a bottle. I am so nosy, too. I find myself wanting to know if moms are bfing, and if not, then WHY? I never interrogate them, but I do wonder silently to myself :-)

[Maria]

There's so many issues and reasons why a mom would formula feed or put breastmilk in a bottle. I breastfeed and advocate it to all pregnant women and women with new babies, but if a baby is entirely formula fed what good is it for me to tell a mom that what she's giving her baby is second best besides hurting her feelings and making her feel bad (or possibly getting a defensive mom and getting your head bitten off). I think being a mom is tough enough without others passing judgement.

[Elita]

I've honestly never known anyone to give a BF baby 8 oz bottles. Most moms can't pump that much in 1 session and usually BF babies are only getting a few ozs at a time. (shrug)
And I did say "etc" for the bottles. There are certain brands that are dead giveaways, like Medela. I wasn't trying to suggest that those are the ONLY bottles BF moms use. Just that if I saw a Medela or Adiri bottle, I wouldn't assume there was formula in one.

[Jenn]

My son was born at 29 weeks and spent two months in the NICU before finally coming home. I pumped 8-10 times a day for the first four months of his life, and by five months finally had him transitioned to the breast. Now I proudly NIP because I can, but all those months when I had no choice but to bottle feed, I went out of my way to make sure it was obvious he was getting EBM (using Medela bottles, wearing lactivist t-shirts) because I wanted people who saw me feeding him to know how hard I was working to pump for him. :-)

[jennifer]

Do people assume when I feed my 16 month old cheese and crackers in public that I've weaned him already? It must be exhausting to constantly speculate about other people and their lives and their choices.

[andrea]

I struggle with judging others and I feel we all do it way too often in a society which encourages it. I really appreciate Jenny's above comment about "what good is it for me to tell a mom that what she's giving her baby is second best besides hurting her feelings...?" Why do we feel the need (myself included)????
That said: I give my daughter COLD breastmilk in a bottle on HOT SUMMER days when I meet my BFFs in the park- she LOVES it! :)

[Jennifer]

As a mom who had a really hard time nursing (medical reasons for insufficient supply), who felt tremendously guilty for only being able to give my daughter about 10 oz a day of breastmilk, who decided to wean at 6 mos because the depression was overtaking me, who was glad for the formula to give me a happy, healthy and chubby baby, and who hopes to be able to exclusively Bf next time, I often find myself wondering if what's in that bottle is breastmilk, formula, or both. You never know if the baby was adopted, if there's a medical reason for not nursing, if there was pressure to give formula, etc. I always find myself asking why, but I never judge. I offer help if can (I am a plethora of info on increasing supply) but each woman has her own decision to make. In spite of my family's resistance to my nursing at all, in spite of the fact that I had insufficient milk supply, I did it for 6 whole months, and am glad I did. My LLL leader uses me as an example that you can still nurse even though you have problems. And I still attend LLL meetings when I can, even though I don't nurse anymore.

[Katrina]

Well, I certainly hope that I'm not judged by my bottle feeding daughter. I have now exclusively pumped for 6+ months for my special needs daughter. We had a hard time with her latch and tried finger feeding until she was 3 weeks old and I was about to pull out my hair. At the time, I couldn't afford a good pump and was using a manual avent isis. To say the least it was very much a labor of love. Nothing short of love would have driven me to keep up with the pumping. I am now borrowing a Medela Lactina from a local health dept BF support group.

But back to you original question I would assume that the mother is using pumped breast milk unless I saw formula or just bottles with water in them.

[Ali]

I never presume to know what's in that bottle. We struggled with getting breastfeeding started, and my daughter was cup-fed for two weeks. And I've known too many moms who've struggled as well, and have bottled fed their babies with EBM.

And even if it is formula in that bottle, do I know why it's there? Maybe mom tried and couldn't make breastfeeding work. Maybe she has to take medication which is incompatible with breastfeeding. Maybe the baby is adopted. You just don't know.

But honestly, who really cares? Why give it more than a moment's thought? Unless mom has actively sought my opinion or advice, it's none of my business, and I assume there's a whole story I don't know. I don't get to claim the moral high ground for breastfeeding, and neither does anybody else.

I'm just so impatient with the Judging Mommies game. It takes all forms - breast versus bottle is just one variation. Moms judge each other on the quality of their strollers, the contents of each other's grocery carts, how their kids are dressed, who sleeps where and how... god, just give it a rest already!

[tanya@motherwearblog]

Just to clarify here...

When I see a baby (not a toddler!) being fed a bottle, I always wonder about their story. Because my work is with breastfeeding mothers, and because if I've learned anything it's that each one has a different story, I find myself wondering about it. I think that this is really different that judging.

[Andrea in KS]

In our culture formula & bottles are iconic symbols of babyhood, so I do not think it is too far off to think most babies you see are getting formula. I'm sure most formula feeding moms don't even question if it's BM or formula in the bottles they see-why is it strange for a breastfeeding mom to think the same?

I always wonder (not judge) what is it that brought a mom to bottle-feed & I do assume most of the time it is formula because most people DO use formula. I don't go ask or make a nasty face. But because our BFing stats are so low I wonder did she get bad advice? Did she even think about the risks of formula? If it is BM does she feel that it isn't OK to NIP? Did she have a bad experience with NIP?

[erika]

I feed my son from a bottle when I'm in public. My mom & MIL (who baby-sit him during the week while I work) feed him from a bottle as well. I pump while at work & generate more milk that he consumes.

He's one of those breastfed babies that takes 6-8 oz at a time. I don't know if he's abnormal for that (since some previous comments indicated BF babies shouldn't require an 8 oz bottle). He's been taking 6 oz a feeding since he was 3 months old - a small 4 oz bottle, just didn't cut it.

I don't judge other mom's for using bottles b/c I do and I understand not everyone is comfortable NIP. Not everyone can BF even tho they try. I do look at the bottle & try to guess whether its BM or formula, but I don't make assumptions or judge the mom's mommy skills. I think its not very nice to judge mom's just on whether they're feeding their baby w/ a bottle. It doesn't mean they aren't BF moms or that they are bad moms. It just means that sometimes a bottle is better for all involved.

I am just now - 5 months into the game - trying to become more comfortable NIP. Its slow going though b/c my DS is (has always been) one of those on again, off again nursing babies. I'd rather not feel all harried & paranoid while nursing. I try to look at nursing as a relaxing experience both for me & baby. NIP is not relaxing for me & I think my unease translates into my son. I shouldn't have to worry about being judged as a formula feeding mom simply b/c I'm not comfortable NIP.

One of the previous comments had it right - the Judging Mommies game should stop & should have never been started to begin with!

[Andrea in KS]

I don't judge people- I do however judge choices & think it is perfectly OK to judge the substance: BM or formula. I have never seen a BF mom judge the worthiness of another mom based on the choice of feeding method- the method might be judged & questioned, but not the mother.

If you are confident that you made the right choice then what other people *might* be thinking of you really shouldn't matter. That's why I don't buy into the whole idea of making somebody feel guilty about anything. Guilt comes from within when you question your choices, not from without. Own whatever parenting choices you make & the Mommy Olympics doesn't exist or matter

[Elita]

Andrea, I agree regarding guilt. I have had people make fun of my son's stroller more than once and I've never cared. I got the Graco Snugrider as a gift and never once thought about buying a giant expensive stroller. Strangers have made fun of my stroller!! I mostly wear my son in a sling and generally find the stroller to be a pain in the butt. I think if I were self-conscious or felt guilty about not having something big, pretty and expensive for him it would bother me, but I just don't feel that way, so it doesn't.

[Jacky]

I am guilty of this as well. However, I do pump once a day since my infant sleeps all night long. I am nervous about bf in public so I usually do it in the car with the air on.
Now when I see a baby drinking from a bottle I wonder if it is bm or formula.

[Leelee]

Thanks for addressing this...as mom to a baby who has been a very fussy nurser since about 4.5 months (long story: oversupply disappeared around that time, gets impatient for letdown, easily distractible etc.), I have not successfully NIP since then, with the rare exception. Eventually I stopped trying, because nothing calls attention to you like a screaming baby arching away from your exposed breast. He continues to nurse fine either at home (but only in a dark, quiet room!), or in a similar setting (hotel room, etc.). Believe me, there's nothing like trying to nurse your baby at a LLL meeting and having him refuse, and having to whip out a bottle of EBM. I'm sad that my son won't just nurse anytime/anywhere like he used to when he was tiny, and it does make life a bit inconvenient for me...but I'm thankful for what we've got, happy he's still nursing on evenings and weekends (I WOHM FT) and getting my milk, no matter how it gets in there.

[Carrie Montag]

Why judge at all? I just dont get that. You arent better than anyone else. If a mom cant or cant breastfeed, or if she just chooses not to, that really her business. Women have a come a long way in this country, and I think we are taking a major step back when we judge other women without knowing their history or story.

[Steph @ Problem Solving Mom]

I don't really think about it, I guess. My daughter was fed exclusively with breast milk, but since I went back to work when she was 5 months old, she took my milk from a bottle when I wasn't there. Occasionally we would be somewhere that I felt it was inconvenient to nurse, and would bring a bottle. Most times when my daughter and I are in public, though, she is nursing if she's drinking milk.

[Pam]

As a mom who exclusively pumped for over a year for her son due to medical challenges (his and mine), I was always a bit sensitive to this one. I wish I could have nursed my son - it just wasn't in the cards and I was more concerned about him being healthy and happy, so I pumped and fed him the EBM. Being in a community with a lot of pro-nursing moms, I was always on edge about whipping out a bottle of EBM to feed my son. On occasion, I'd get a look, and I always wondered what I would come back with if someone asked why I wasn't nursing. I fortunately never had anyone ask. I don't know that I think much of it now, when I see a baby with a bottle. I guess I'm just glad that the Mom has something in the bottle for the baby and that the baby's healthy enough to drink from it.