Today I'm sharing an excerpt from Andi Silverman's Mama Knows Breast , on sex and breastfeeding (with permission from Andi and Quirk Books). See my review of Mama Knows Breast here.
Sex and Relaxation
You're in bed. Your frisky husband is beside you. Your infant won't go to sleep. Do you (a) sing a lullabye to the baby; (b) get down to business with your husband; (c) pretend to be asleep; or (d) some combination of all of the above? If you answered (d), you're right there with the rest of us.
Being both a mom and a lover is often overwhelming and confusing. You're being pulled from all sides. Everyone wants a piece of you (literally), and all you want to do is sleep. Plus, now that your breasts are someone's main source of nutrition, it's sometimes hard to imagine they ever had another role. The silky black bra and thong you bought last year seem like ancient artifacts. Besides, you're fantasizing about sleep, not sex.
All women react differently to having a baby and breastfeeding. Some say their sex drive vanishes, while others find their libido revved up as ever. Whatever your situation, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. It's gong to take a while, months even, before you feel remotely like your old self. For starters, your doctor will probably tell you to abstain from sex and exercise for the first six weeks after giving birth. She'll want to make sure that everything "down there" has had enough time to heal properly. This doctor's order may come as a relief for you - it's kind of hard to think about sex when you just squeezed a seven-pound bowling ball out from between your legs.
To get yourself back in the mood, you've got to take care of you body, your mind, and you relationship. It's like getting the oil changed in your car - it takes regular maintenance to keep the machinery running smoothly. Here are some tips for restoring body and soul.
For Your Relationship
* Recognize that your spouse is adjusting, too. You may be the one who had the baby, but he's sort of postpartum, too. Some guys can feel overwhelmed by their new sense of responsibility. So be mindful of his feelings. Do something to make sure he knows how much you appreciate his help. A simple 'thank you' is a good place to start.
* Romance your spouse. Remember the time in your life when dating was a series of fun surprises and activities that you plotted and planned? Well, it's time to try all that again. At a minimum, sending a flirtatious e-mail will give you something different to think about while you're caught in the daily poop-feed-poop-feed cycle.
* Talk, talk, talk. Make sure you're still communicating about things other than the baby and household responsibilities.
* Train a sitter. Teach her how you change a diaper, give a bottle, and put the baby to sleep. Before long, you can leave her alone with the baby so you and your husband can get away for a while. Just make an emergency contact list and post it on the refrigerator door before you go.
* Go on a date. If your baby isn't taking a bottle, you may not be able to leave for very long - but even two hours out of the house will be a nice break for the two of you.
* Have date night in your own home. If you don't want to leave the baby alone with the sitter yet, the two of you can hide out in your bedroom. Tell the sitter to come get you only in an emergency.
* Spend a night in a hotel. Once you feel comfortable with your sitter and you've established a solid breastfeeding routine, book a night at a hotel. You don't even have to leave town to feel like you've escaped. Just be sure to leave behind enough pumped milk or formula to get the baby through the night. Don't forget to pack your pump!
* Take it slow. It will be a while before things feel totally back to normal, but once you two are alone, you'll know just what to do. After all, that's how you got yourself into this situation in the first place. If you're really having a hard time getting in the mood, try some erotica or one of those premium cable TV channels.
And cut your breasts some slack. Once you do get things going, your breasts might feel a little different than they did before you had your baby. They may feel tender or desensitized to stimulation. They may also leak or even spray milk during sex! That's because breastfeeding and orgasms involve the release of the same hormone, oxytocin.
* Schedule sex. This doesn't sound too romantic, but it can make a difference. Figure out what time of day works the best for the two of you. Too tired at night? Make a plan for the morning. No time in the morning? Schedule a rendez-vous during the baby's nap. Or how about this - ask your spouse if he'd like to "E.F. or F.F?" In other words, does he want to "Eat First or F**K First?" Dinner before play, or play before dinner? By all means, use a lubricant during sex! Pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones can make your vagina dry. Get out that KY.
* See a couples therapist if you need to. Exhaustion and new responsibilities are sometimes a toxic mix. It's common to fight. But if things get really overwhelming, seek help. Find a third party, a trusted relative or friend, or even a therapist to advise you. Don't allow yourself to take drastic steps while you're still adjusting to your new roommate.
